


i'm lost and i need you (more than a heart upon my sleeve)

by ceaseandexist



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Daddy Issues, Gen, Louis's pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, Zayn ruined everything and he's trying to make up for it, and Zayn trying to weasel his way back into Louis's heart, just Louis trying to figure out a shitty situation, mention of suicide, non-au, there's no love story here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-10 07:55:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4383572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceaseandexist/pseuds/ceaseandexist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>They survived Zayn leaving, but they can't survive Louis's mistake. He has to be there for his kid. That's the only part he feels okay about, that he has the chance to prove that even though he didn't mean to do this, that doesn't mean he has to be an absent dad. He can still love this child.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>At least he hopes he can.</i>
</p><p> <br/>Louis gets Briana pregnant and his world comes crashing down around him. Zayn tries to reach out to help, but it's hard for Louis to deal with a broken friendship and a baby scandal at the same time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm lost and i need you (more than a heart upon my sleeve)

**Author's Note:**

> This happened because I was really depressed watching the aftermath of Louis getting a girl pregnant and wanted to be able to make it better for Louis. Since I can't do that in real life, I chose to try to write it instead. This didn't come out as planned.

The text comes the Friday after he tells the boys about the baby. It’s just after 7 p.m. Louis's time, which makes it after 3 a.m. Zayn's time. It’s not really the middle of the night for Zayn, who normally doesn’t fall asleep until the sun starts to rise, but still. It’s odd to see the words on his phone.

_You'll be fine. I know you can handle this._

It's different to the few texts Louis had received before this, texts Zayn sent as excuses for his behavior without owning up to what he'd done. It’s short and timid and to the point, and Louis’s heart races when he reads it.

Still, Louis treats this text the same as he's treated all the others; he presses delete and pops open a beer.

 

***

 

 _Who the fuck told him?_ Louis asks in their group text the next day. He’s tired and annoyed and can’t stop thinking about this stupid text. It kept him awake even, forced him to use alcohol as a sleeping pill again.

None of the boys answer because they’re cowards like that. Still, the boys are the only ones aside from his family who know about this, and his family doesn't talk to Zayn anymore. He didn't think the boys did either. But if Zayn knows, it’s because of one of them.

Louis doesn’t have time for this bullshit. His mum is landing in a few hours, and then they're heading to the OB/GYN straight from the airport to get the final confirmation.

At least the boys are behind him in this whole pregnancy ordeal. They all offered to be there for him in some way, fly out to LA early or come pick him up from the doctor’s if he wanted, grab a beer after. But Louis had to say no. How could he not? Niall won't be able to spend time in the UK for a while, and Liam had this Disney trip planned with Sophia for ages. Harry has a few days to himself for once too. Louis’s drama can’t screw up their time off, especially now that he’s completely screwed up the future of the band.

So it's just Louis and his mum and Briana and her mom in that dark, cramped office. They hear the whirring of a heartbeat and Louis feels a lot like throwing up, but he plasters a smile across his face and does what he does best: laugh so he doesn't hurt.

 

***

 

Louis waits until his mum goes to bed that night before he breaks open the tub of weed. He rolls a couple of joints and pours himself some whiskey straight up and tries not to think about his mum's watery smile when she told him she couldn't wait to be a grandma. Just not like this, he thinks. Not like this.

He thought he turned his phone off so he could wallow on his own, but the buzz in his back pocket reminds him that he forgot to do that as well. He sighs when he sees who it’s from.

_Hope it was ok today._

His life is fucked. Nothing has been ok, not since March 25, when they found out just hours before everyone else that they were down to four men, found out from their bosses and not from Zayn. Didn't they at least deserve to hear it from him after nearly five years?

But Louis has learned a lot about how little their friendship meant to Zayn in the past few months. It only makes these texts more maddening.

Louis deletes it and thinks of finally blocking Zayn's number from his phone. Zayn's actual name doesn't show up, just numbers where his name used to be, but Louis still knows those numbers are Zayn's.

He thinks about blocking those numbers a lot, but he doesn't actually do it.

 

***

 

Louis celebrates his first July 4th with the people whom he'll have to call a family from here on out. At least he has his mum and Dan there on his side.

Briana smiles at him a lot, a smile that doesn't reach her eyes. She's been tired, she says. Feeling sick. He has too, he wants to say. She wants to be friends, and he isn't sure if it's for the sake of the child or for her own reasons.

He wishes he could run far, far away, to another planet if he could. A place where this doesn't exist. A place where he was never put into a band in the first place, never had a best friend stab him in the back, never made a stupid mistake that cost his kids the life he always dreamed of having for them.

So he doesn't smile back at her as he eats his hot dog, which Americans prefer over sausages on the grill. British sausages are better. Everything is better in England, honestly, but he better get used to the American way. It looks like there will be a lot of July 4th hot dogs in his future.

 

***

 

Louis gets three more texts from Zayn before the tour starts up again. He doesn't read any of them.

 

***

 

It isn't different being on stage. He thought it would be now that he knows there is a very definite end date to all of this, but it's that same rush it always is, that same awe that people are cheering for him. He nearly forgets that nothing is the same anymore, that they can't keep this going the way he had started to hope for during the European tour, that feeling when he’s on stage with his three boys, when he has the same old water fights with Liam and the same old jokes with Niall and the same old bathroom breaks with Harry.

They survived Zayn leaving, but they can't survive Louis's mistake. He has to be there for his kid. That's the only part he feels okay about, that he has the chance to prove that even though he didn't mean to do this, that doesn't mean he has to be an absent dad. He can still love this child.

At least he hopes he can.

 

***

 

 _I'm not friends with him any more_ , the next text says. _You were right_.

 _Too little, too late_ , Louis would say if he responded to any of these texts.

He has bigger problems now, Louis does, but this one still doesn't feel small. Not yet. Louis knows it by the way his heart betrays him, the way it lifts a little at the idea that Zayn and Shahid are not friends. He reminds himself that he shouldn't believe Zayn because Zayn is a liar and he's not Louis's partner in crime anymore and they don't even share possession of the Mystery Machine now. Instead, Zayn takes Louis’s weaknesses and shoves them in his face for all of Twitter to see, and Zayn will call Louis a brother in public so the fans still love Zayn even though Zayn never told his so-called brothers that he was leaving for good.

So Louis refuses to care about Zayn, but his heart still lifts at that text.

 

***

 

Louis should have known when he got that text that it wouldn’t be the last he'd hear about the ruined friendship. Zayn would lash out somehow, make everyone know Zayn is going solo without that guy. He still doesn't expect to see Zayn’s tweet.

**"You fat joke. Stop pretending we're friends."**

It's funny because the way Zayn indirectly makes fun of Shahid is the same way Louis indirectly made fun of the two of them. _Someone learned how to upload a video_ isn't too different from _some people still think filters are cool_.

But he's with Briana when he sees it. They're having breakfast together so they can try to get to know each other better. He tries to find something about her that's interesting but it's hard to want to know things about someone you wish you'd never met. So he's happy when his phone buzzes with the message from Liam and the link to the tweet because he can pretend it's an important business thing and waste more of the time left before he has to leave.

He's failing at being a father already. He knows it by the clear disappointment on her face when he grins at his phone but not at her. He still just can't understand what her intentions are, because she acts like this sucks for her too but she was the one who insisted they keep it even though they knew early enough to do something about it all. She was the one who said they didn't need to try to be in a relationship, that she wouldn't tie him down like that, but she's tying him down anyway.

Maybe he would have said something snarky about Zayn’s tweet if he hadn’t been with Briana when he heard about it. But he is with Briana, and he’s in no position to snark on someone else.

 

***

 

Then shit hits the fan. He has no warning, which is how he knows management wasn’t behind this. It’s just very sudden. _People_ magazine writes a lengthy story on the child he’s still not accustomed to expecting. They reveal Briana’s full name, and they talk about how happy he is to be a dad. It doesn’t make him look that bad if you take out the fact that he knocked up a one-night stand who ended up wanting to keep his baby. He tries to tell himself she’s not in it for just his money, but he doesn’t really see a reason why she’d do this if it wasn’t.

It’s all very permanent, is the thing, and Louis is in no place to have anything permanent.

It doesn't help that Louis has no idea who told, and Briana swears it wasn’t anyone on her side, so suddenly, the number of people Louis actually trusts in this world is nearing zero.

But it wasn’t the boys, obviously, because this fucks things up for all of them too. Still, they all rally behind him. The four of them spend the day holed up in the house in LA that the media still doesn’t know Louis purchased nearly a year ago. They drink a lot and play some footie in the back garden (yard, Louis tries to remind himself. Here, it’s a yard). Niall grills some chicken and steak, and none of them talk about the real reason they’re there.

It’s a valiant effort. And maybe it shows just how fucked up of a person Louis is that the biggest concern on Louis’s mind is not the baby but rather how wrong it still feels to just be four of them and not five.

 

***

 

Maybe that’s why he picks up the phone later that night when it actually rings instead of just buzzing with a text. Maybe that’s why he ignores the fact that numbers still replace what used to be Zayn’s name on the screen.

He’s drunk, but Zayn’s not and that’s strange because Zayn probably hasn’t been sober in months (well, for all Louis knows, that is).

“I saw the stories,” Zayn says, and if he thinks that’s what’s going to make Louis want to talk, he’s a bigger idiot than originally thought.

“Yeah? Good thing you’re not relevant to this anymore, right?” Louis says as he takes another swig of whatever drink Liam had made for him. He can hear the boys in the other room still. He wandered out when his phone started ringing. They probably think this is about the baby.

It feels wrong that the reason Zayn is calling is due to the baby.

“I just wanted to let you know,” Zayn starts, but Louis cuts him off pretty swiftly once his mouth catches up to his line of thought.

“You’re only calling me because of the baby, right?” Louis asks. He laughs, short and bitter. “Fuck, man. That’s like some estranged relative who calls you on a birthday or big event pretending to want to send good wishes, but really they just want to manipulate the situation so they can remind you why it’s your fault that you never talk in the first place.”

“That’s not why I --”

“That’s really cool of you, Zayn. Now that you aren’t in love with Shahid anymore, you want to make up? And you think me knocking some random bird up is a great way to get back on my good side? Fuck you, Zayn. You chose to leave. You don’t get to choose to come back.”

Louis hangs up and feels good about himself for a solid three seconds before the tears start falling.

 

***

 

To Zayn’s credit, he does call back that night. He sends a lot of texts. Louis isn’t sure how many there are, exactly, because after a while he just turns his phone off. Zayn must have called the boys because they come in and try to make excuses for Zayn, but Louis’s fragile, right? That’s why the boys are there in the first place, to look after him because his entire world officially came crashing down once that story was published, and now …

Well, Louis isn’t really sure what to make of what’s going on now. He just wants it all to end. Or he wants it to never have happened in the first place, even if that means the last five years never happened either.

 

***

 

Louis falls asleep at some point, and he wakes up too because as much as he’s done with his life, he’s not suicidal in any way.

He checks his email because that’s a normal thing to do. Everything is normal. It’s fine.

But it’s not fine because Zayn’s name is there. Well, actually it’s his email address since Louis made a point to delete Zayn as a contact from all of his devices, but still.

Louis doesn’t know why he opens it. He can’t explain that. But he reads the email in full.

_Hey Lou,_

_I know you don’t want to talk to me and I understand why. I've been thinking a lot, and, well, I know it's my fault that you're mad. And I know you’re still going to be mad at me even after you read this because you’re stubborn like that, but I just can’t sleep and I don’t know how else to talk to you. Maybe you won’t even read this. Whatever._

_First, I guess I want to say that you’re right. It is shitty that I waited until now to try to talk to you. I just miss you, you know? And I would've tried to talk to you eventually if the baby thing never happened, but I guess maybe it did give me a good excuse to try? But I really do miss you, honestly ... a lot more than I thought I would. I’ve missed you the whole time, even when it seemed like I didn’t miss you at all because I had Shahid and my cousins and the whole crew. I was just being stupid really, and I guess I wanted to prove that I’d be fine without you guys? I don't know. I didn’t want to need you all anymore. I thought being on my own would show everyone that I’m my own man, but really being on my own just sucks. It kills me to say this, but I was wrong. You were right (on this one)._

_I can't help but feel that it should have been me who ended up getting a girl pregnant. I’m just lucky it wasn’t. You probably don’t want to hear that. Like maybe that comes across as shitty, but I just mean like … this could have happened to anyone. And it sucks that it happened to you. But I'll be there for you (if that's okay). I always will. If I learned anything the past few months, it’s that I can’t get rid of you guys even if I try. To be honest, I don’t even want to get rid of you guys. Not anymore._

_So, back to the baby stuff ... I know it probably feels like the end of the world for you, and in a way I guess it kind of is. I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but you know I'm not good at sugarcoating things. Change is inevitable, mate. It happens. And maybe this isn’t what you wanted to happen or how you wanted it to happen, but when you tried out for X-Factor, you didn’t want to be in a band and it turns out a lot of good things came out of not getting your way there. So maybe there will be a lot of good to come out of this too? I don't know. This all sounded better in my head._

_If I do know one thing, I know that you’re going to be the best father there ever was (except for me own Dad, of course). You’re so good with kids, with Ernie and Doris and Lux and Brooklyn and all of the kids from Bluebell Wood. You like glow or something whenever you’re around babies. You’re even worse than Harry, bro. It’s embarrassing._

_But still, imagine what it will be like when this is your own kid, like your actual son or daughter and not someone else's. Imagine holding that kid in your arms, making them feel safe or making them laugh or eat their peas or sit in the corner when they're being bad (and your kid is going to be awful if it's anything like you. Sorry. I'm just being honest.) But for real, imagine teaching that little boy or girl how to kick a football. Your kid is going to be fucking spoiled, too. You’re probably going to burn like all of the money you’ve ever made on crap for that kid. Just so you know … you don’t need to build your own playground in your garden for your kid. You can go visit a regular one or summat. And don’t buy too many Donny Rovers onesies. Babies grow out of things quickly, and they just spit-up on them a lot anyway. Same goes for shoes. Baby Vans are cute, but babies hate shoes anyway, so maybe try to limit it to like … 10 pairs?_

_Honestly though mate, you don’t need my advice. You don’t need anyone’s advice, really, because you're so good at loving people that this kid won’t even have to see you to know how much he or she means to you. You’ve always been the first one to be there for any of us whenever things go wrong, and we’re not even related to you. Even when we’re shitty, like that time I cheated on Pezza and the girl sold the story with pics of me in bed, you acted like it wasn’t even my fault and got high and played video games with me when I didn’t want to talk about it. Then you sat and listened when I did. I'll never forget that bro. I’ve never had someone outside of me mum or dad who knows how to be there for other people as well as you do._

_So people might tell you how to hold a bottle better or what brand of nappies are best or what type of baby food you should try, but they won’t have to tell you how to be there for your kid. You’re already being there for your kid just by sucking it up and going through with this._

_I know you’re probably scared as fuck that you’ll be like your dad, but that’s literally not possible. You’re a different person, Lou. You’re a better person, one of the best, to be honest, and it says a lot that I still think that considering I’ve seen you at your worst. Remember when you were so high you ate three Big Macs off the ground on a smoke break outside of that random McDonald’s in South America? It was that time we snuck out of the hotel to hook up with those three girls who said they had a mansion on the beach, remember? And it like ... wasn't really a mansion but we had a good time anyway? Those were wild times, mate. Maybe it’s a good thing we're not doing that shit anymore._

_I'm going to get serious for a second. I hope you don't mind. Here's the thing: I know you’re still pissed at me. I won’t even bother asking for forgiveness because I wouldn’t forgive me. I was pretty shitty to all of you, and I realize that now, but I just didn't know what to do at the time. It was hard and it felt like everything was too much and I just kind of ... ran away from it all. I ended up hurting the four of you, though, and I know it sucks that I did that. So yeah ... I'm not expecting everything to just go back to the way it was. I just … I wish I was able to be there for you right now. I wish I had never fucked this up and dropped out of your lives. I’m sorry. Really. I am._

_I don’t know how else to be there for you right now without trying to text or call or email. If it’s better for you that I stop trying to get in touch, just tell me and I’ll drop it. I promise. I don’t want to disappear again, but I’ll do that for you if that's what you want. Because you know what? You were right. I chose to leave, so I shouldn’t get to choose when I’ll be back in your lives. Just know that I believe in you and I know you’ll make the best out of this very shitty situation. You’ll love the crap out of that kid, and he or she will be lucky to call you dad._

_I love you bro._

_\- Z xx._

Louis reads the entire thing through three times before he shuts his computer, gets back into bed and and cries into his pillow.

 

***

 

Louis normally has to tell everyone when something big happens, and Zayn’s email definitely qualifies as Something, but Louis decides to keep it to himself for a little while. Plus, they have a show in Seattle, and the only thing that’s difficult for the four of them to discuss is Zayn. It’s better if he doesn’t bring it up, no matter how much his chest burns with the desire to share the news.

The stage is his solace once again. He forgets everything for a couple of hours and just gives the parts of himself that he knows how to give. He's going to miss that part of the job, the performing and the beaming faces he sees smiling back at him from the crowd.

He won't miss the schedule though, and it’s late when they land back in LA, so he waits until the next morning to head over to the hotel he booked for Briana once the news broke. He takes his mum with him because it’s easier when it isn’t just Briana and him.

Briana is curled up under a blanket in a living room when they get there. Her hair is gathered in a messy bun, and she hasn’t bothered with make-up. Louis barely recognizes her at first before he realizes it’s the first time he’s seen her without make-up.

“You okay?” he asks, his voice soft. She sits up and bunches the blanket at her waist. He isn’t sure if she’s more pale than usual or if it’s just the lack of bronzer. She has dark bags under her eyes, like she hasn’t slept. Or maybe it’s from the stress.

Stress isn’t good for expecting mothers, or at least Louis doesn’t think it is. What if she miscarries because of it all? A few days ago, he would have been thrilled by that idea, terrible as it is. Louis never said he’s a good person.

But when he sees her there on that couch, looking worn and exhausted, the thought of a miscarriage just makes Louis nervous and nauseous. She wants this baby. Maybe Louis doesn’t understand why, but she definitely wants it.

And it’s that sick feeling in the pit of his stomach at the idea of a miscarriage that makes Louis feel like for the first time, maybe he might want this baby too.

 

***

 

He spends the entire day with Briana at the hotel. He gets her water and makes her eat even though she doesn’t feel well and even insists on taking her temperature at one point (she doesn’t have a fever, thank God).

It nearly distracts him from the email sitting at the back of his mind. Nearly, but not entirely. So while she naps later that evening and his mother makes them dinner in the small kitchenette in the suite, Louis opens up his iPad and goes straight to the Vans website.

The most unfortunate thing about baby items is that all of that stuff looks absolutely adorable. You could take the ugliest shoe in the world and make it baby-sized and suddenly it would be the cutest shoe in the world.

Louis doesn’t let himself order any shoes, at least not yet, but he does save over a dozen pairs to his wishlist. So maybe it’s a bit beyond the 10-pair recommendation, but what does Zayn know about baby shoes anyway?

He waits until after he eats to send the text. It’s after 3 a.m. Zayn’s time, but Louis happens to know Zayn doesn’t mind texting at 3 a.m. Louis thinks about replacing the number in his phone with Zayn’s name again but decides to just stick to texting for now. After all, you can’t repair a friendship with just a single text. It’s just a start.

_Don’t you think a baby could need 12 pairs of Vans? One for each month the first year?_

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr: ceaseand-exist.tumblr.com


End file.
